I am a perfect momma.
I never mess up.
I do everything right and am 100% classy all the time.
I hope you’re laughing as hard as I am at those previous statements.
I mess up CONSTANTLY. We have all been there, or at least I hope so.
Let me share with you a few of the times that I have been a perfect mother… kidding…. these are some of my most memorable mom fails.
1.) That One Time I Spent a Fortune on Jelly Beans
I tried to be all low-key and theme-less for my first born’s first birthday….. yeah, apparently I don’t do low-key very well.
Instead of doing a character theme, I opted for a polka dot/chevron theme. I chose colors that were trendy for the year and of course I got her a tiered cake.
My biggest blunder, and the one that still gets me in trouble to this day, was my dumb ass purchase of jelly beans…. You see, I wanted specific colors of jelly beans. I went to my local candy store and scooped the perfectly colored candies into the cellophane bags. I scooped and scooped and scooped.
I scooped $260 dollars worth of jelly beans into those damn bags. (Sorry B! I know this is still a trigger for you…)
I begged to be able to put some back, but the teenager behind the counter did not budge… So I became the proud owner of $260 worth of jelly beans.
2.) I play too hard
Ok this happened before I was a mom. So you would think I would see this as foreshadowing as to what kind of parent I might be.
I was babysitting a little boy and we were outside playing. We had one of those jumbo beach balls and were kicking it back and forth.
He asked me to kick the ball really hard so it would go really far.
I am always up for a challenge so I happily accepted.
I reared back and kicked the tar out of that beach ball. It flew pretty far…. right into the face of that 6-year-old little boy.
It laid him out.
I freaked and ran to him and found him laying there LAUGHING! I knew at that moment I was going to be such a fun mom.
3.) I once signed up for Bumble
This one is embarrassing. My besties still laugh at me for this.
Do y’all know what Bumble is? I do now! But holy hell y’all I thought it was something else.
I thought I was a cool mom because I was up on all the new social media platforms. I thought Bumble was a new social media like Snapchat, Instagram or Facebook…. it’s definitely not…. it’s a dating site. Sorry B!
I promptly deleted it once I discovered what it was.
4.) I laugh when kids cuss
I’ve been known to let the occasional four lettered word slip.
Okay let’s be clear, this happens daily. I have a potty mouth and it spews forth at inopportune times.
I am only reminded how bad my mouth is when I hear the angelic voices of my children utter those bad words.
Example 1:) The other day we were walking into the garage and we passed the litter box where there was a fresh pile of cat poo. I’m rushing the kids out the door when I heard my precious little dude say “ugh! Chicken’s a dick!” (FYI–Chicken is a cat).
Yeah…. I might have giggled, but I had to correct him and let him know that we can’t call the cat, or anyone, a dick.
Example 2:) Sass was maybe 3. I was getting everything ready for dinner and I spilled my precious Diet Coke all over the floor. My reaction was “well, Shit!”
We were sitting at the dinner table about 15 min later. My sweet husband told Sass to take another bite of food and she so proudly said “well, shit!”
I died. My husband looked right at me (because obviously I’m the reason our precious baby girl speaks like a sailor) and quickly corrected her. I stifled my giggles.
I’m an excellent parent.
5.) I judge myself
I wish this one was funny like the other ones.
This is something I struggle with so much. I judge myself and I don’t always hide it.
I point out my flaws and my shortcomings. I make jokes about being huge. I don’t love myself the way I should.
I need to be better about this. I try to keep this part of me hidden from my kids, but I know I’m not super successful at this.
My kids deserve to see me love myself. They deserve to see me happy. The deserve a momma that is proud of herself.
So that’s what I’m working on. I’m getting better. I’m working to be strong and feel beautiful. I’m working to be happy!
I hope this list of my biggest mom fails was fun for you to read! I love being a mom more than anything in the world! I also love not taking myself too seriously. I laugh at myself daily and I invite you to laugh WITH me! 🤣